I’m grateful for this journey, the progress I’m making. It’s slower than I had initially imagined or hoped, and sometimes involves two steps back, but it’s worth it because through it I’m learning about me — my body, my mind, the feelings that so often drive me both to action and no action, how my body reacts to things big and small, and how I’ve mostly ignored it thus far. The incredible gift of young, healthy body has allowed me to pretty much coast, but I’m waking up to the truth that coasting doesn’t get you anywhere in particular.
When it comes to weight loss (omg, I seriously never thought I’d talk about this – I’ve gone most of my life avoiding it — you don’t bring it up, I won’t either) , I’ve reached a good point. I’m within the right margins. I could stop here. In fact, the high I got from a Madewell sales associate adding a pair of jeans to my dressing room in a size I’d never once thought about was good enough to make me say I’m done. I could stop here and, truthfully, I have stopped here before. But the thing is, I know that I’m not done. I haven’t reached that end point yet. I don’t know how else to say it, but I feel it in me — there’s another layer to go, another level down to dig. I could stop — I’ve already been applauded for coming this far — but I have this soft rumbling sense that there are miles ahead that are meant to be. They feel destined, those miles, like they’re written into the story, like new territory that already has my name signed on the deed. Maybe it sounds wide-eyed and lofty, but it feels like there’s a deeper level of something — me, my life, being alive and awake with eyes open — that I’m on the precipice of. Now is not the time to coast, it is the time to find a new gear and go.
This isn’t about a number on a piece of metal. It’s not about what anyone thinks or fitting into a certain idealization about body or health. It’s about honoring the truth that God has places He wants us, me, my life to go. For some reason, the discipline and endurance of training my physical body is igniting something new in my head and heart. I feel the glow inside and I want to follow where it leads. I want to get where I’m meant to go.
My prayer is that I keep feeling more and more ready to do what it takes to get there. God, lead me into that territory. I know it’s already mine, I know your’e already there. Lead me on.
