I will trust when the river is deep.

I will trust on broken days and with a broken heart.

I will trust you in the dark. Between sobs and sighs. When the longing feels too great, when the waiting seems too long and when the burdens heave too heavy.

I will trust you in the aches of not the outcome I wanted, not the answer I hoped for and not the way I would have planned it.

 

I will trust.

I will breathe out and stand up and let you in.

 

I will trust that you are far better than the plan I’ve taken back from you yet again. I will uncurl my hands, come to you and trust.

Because as much as they all call to me, as much as I want them to fill me up, they do not. They can not, because you are far better. Lighter and freer, more compelling and joy-filled, steadfast, brave and beautiful – you are.

 

So, I will stand back up and trust.

I will hand over the trinkets I thought I could now handle – this and that, him and her, us and them – and trust.

 

And then..

Then, I will smile because while this fight is exhausting, it also tells me there’s something here.  That this life of trust is dangerous in the best of ways, because when I keep standing up, more is shaved off, cut off, sanded off to make me freer, lighter and braver – for you and for those you’ve given to me.

This life is worth it. They are worth it. Lord, you are worth it.

And so, I will stand back up and trust.

 

—

I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing…’Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me, even at night, my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay…You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16: 2, 5-9, 11