I was laying in bed a few nights before the new year, unable to fall back asleep. I started thinking about the year that was almost over and wondered, almost mindlessly, what word could describe 2013 for me.

Soulful, the Lord answered.

 

Well, today is my last day as a twenty five year old and I’m thinking a lot about what the year as meant to me – where I was when it started, where I am now and all the places, people and thoughts that filled the in-between.

Soulful is definitely right. There were a lot of days of 25 when the only words I could think of were WHEN and WHY. When will things change, when will I get back to the life I’m suppose to be living, when will you pull through for me, God? Or, why is it taking so long? Why does everyone else have so much and I have nothing? Why can’t it happen now? I hate sharing those – they are selfish and raw and ugly – but they’re the truth. There were a lot of days of waiting and wondering and fighting to hold on and trust.

One Saturday just after I turned 25, I came home from Madewell, a job I never thought I’d have to have, to parents who were leaving to meet friends for dinner.  There I was – 25, basically friendless, living at home with two degrees and a part-time retail job, heating up a bowl of soup that was to be my entire Saturday night and all I could do was cry because it felt like this was it, that this way of life would last forever.

As selfish as those thoughts are, I’m thankful that by God working in my life, the whens and the whys were always followed by but God…

but God, I know you are good. but God, I know you love me. but God, I know you’re here – it may not feel like it, but I know you are.

I started saying yes in all kinds of ways.  Yes, I’ll do that job. Yes, I’ll hang out with people I don’t know at all. Yes, I’ll go get a drink with you even though I know there will be a few awkward lulls. Yes, even though I’m afraid. Yes, even though this isn’t what I had planned on. Yes, I’ll wait and yes, I’ll be honest about how I’m struggling and yes, I’ll share what I’m thinking. Yes, I’ll hope and trust.

And slowly, subtly, He started filling me with new life.

That’s what Jesus does – He brings life with him when he enters our lives. And little by little, He opens the doors that we’ve scrambled to keep shut. He cleans those spaces out, repairs their rusty hinges and then fills them with good things  like love for people, passion for projects and desire for a life that is far beyond what we know right now.

And then at some point this fall, I looked up to find that soulful had become so full.

I look back at how little I wanted this Texas life and now see all the faces that fill it. I think about all the hours I’ve spent with them and how God has used them along with days full of whys and whens to soften me, encourage me, pull me closer, lighten my life and be sources of joy and hope. I can’t believe I almost walked right past them. What once was empty, He has made so full.

I feel like I did the work that year 25 had for me. I didn’t run away from the painful, the heartbreaking or disappointing. I did my best to try and love and share. I wasn’t excited about 25, but I now find myself holding it close, unbelievably thankful for the work it did in me.

Twenty five, I think you’ll have a sacred place on the shelf of my life for years to come. Here’s to one last day together.

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There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 12